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2017-06-28T14:51:13Z

Elizabeth
January 14, 1966 - June 28, 2002
My sister died fifteen years ago today (?).

I used to struggle with the timeline on the first few anniversaries. I would watch the clock through the day, estimating where she would have been and whether I could still intervene. Of course I couldn't intervene -- it was over and she was gone -- but some part of me felt as though I could, and it was very hard to convince otherwise. I would get increasingly anxious as the day went on, frantic between 4 - 7pm (roughly the time between when she took her life and when I found out she was gone), then sunk with grief for the rest of the evening.

It was a physical thing, the anniversary reaction. I couldn't reason myself out of it. Only time has helped. I don't get as anxious now, but I still notice the time and think about where she would have been. (At this time, she was still alive and trying to save her own life.)

Time heals. I'm more at peace with the hole in my life now. I grumble at her sometimes for leaving me, but I have no real anger toward her. She did the best she could for as long as she could. That's all we can ask of each other.

I hope you're at peace, Lizie. We love you and miss you and remember you.

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best laid plans

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